Stop Having Difficult Conversations, By Ann Tardy
Jane's boss: "Jane, you keep avoiding that difficult conversation you need to have with your employee."
Jane: "Fine, I'll do it. I'll be mean."
Whoa-Jane just framed the difficult conversation in a very disempowering way. Why do we typically avoid difficult/crucial/confronting conversations? Well, our focus is on the other person's judgment or reaction! Will they think I'm rude, unkind, unfair, or mean? Will they get defensive or upset? What Jane and the rest of us difficult-conversation-avoiders need is a new frame on a ubiquitous challenge.
Conversations are difficult when we make it about the other person's judgment or reaction. But there valuable when we make it about their success.When we shift the focus from the other person’s reaction or judgment to our intention to support their success, then these conversations become the gateway to our contributions.
Being committed to their success allows us to welcome (not avoid) the conversation that will contribute to that success. As an example, you can say: "Let's have a commitment conversation. As your boss, I am committed to your success. However, based on the goals you've shared with me, the behavior I'm observing is not serving your success. Let's stop having difficult conversations and start having commitment conversations."
One of the main reasons we need to have a commitment conversation is that people don't know their blind spots. While operating a vehicle, a blind spot is hazard. Caused by weather conditions or car design, it's the area while driving that we just cannot see without intentionally adjusting our view. Similarly, blind spots while leading are also hazardous. Caused by our oblivion or unawareness, they are the aspects of our personality that we do not or cannot see. For example, we may regularly denigrate people on our team, without even realizing it.
In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus tells Scout that Mr. Cunningham is basically a good person with blind spots, because he couldn't see his own racism toward Tom Robinson. So how can we discover our human blind spots?
· Adjust the mirror and shift the view
· Engage a mentor
· Use a 360 assessment
· Re-examine recent performance reviews
· Inspect our results
· Explore our interactions
· Have commitment conversations
Other people typically see those facets of our personality that we unconsciously don't see or intentionally don't want to see-our idiosyncrasies, habits, behaviors, and actions. Our ignorance is not bliss; it's dangerous. Just because we can't see our blind spots does not mean they don't exist.Whether we are driving or leading, remaining unaware of our blind spots puts us at risk of damaging cars and relationships, respectively. So what can we do about our blind spots? Drive and lead with more intentionality, cognizance, and compassion.
We don't know what we don't know is simply lazy; we don't know what we don't examine. By engaging in commitment conversations we can ensure that our people examine their blind spots in order to become bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves. And that's our job as their leader. It's not difficult. It's our commitment.
